The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff