Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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