Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth