*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
real
I wanna be friends with this person
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Am I having a stroke?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…