Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.