I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Skills
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
No laws when master is gone
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land