My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Got him!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks