My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
kevin is now a local weatherman
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something