I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Why is this me 😫
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*