My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’m giving up ice.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download