No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices