Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Chicken bread
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”