Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I can’t be the only one 😂
🤣🤣🤣
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
watergate? u mean a dam??
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Ummm
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?