[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You Might Also Like
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.