Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Yup….perfect score!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.