I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
2022: I can fix it
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
the icebreaker
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…