“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,