To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs