My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
honestly, i need both:
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
#StillHurts
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated