[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️