[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”