All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
just left a huge legacy in there
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.