Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*