Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You Might Also Like
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.