Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*