Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.