just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
You Might Also Like
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Why am I like this?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem