why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.