My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990