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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I support this random dude and all his protests
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.