These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Tell me you get it…🤣
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.