I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
A ghost story
Straight people are cancelled