I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Hmm, not sure about this change
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Meow
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”