Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.