Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Saw your ex at the shops