Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.