Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Merica.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night