If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”