It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
🤣😈🤣
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
smartest karate player in the world
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber