[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
🤣😂
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms