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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking