What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people