Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.