Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.