no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries