[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn