i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
🤣
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
is this store having a stroke wtf