“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
You Might Also Like
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
i hate you platonically
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!