When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
3% human
97% stress
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Beauty and the Beast
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Tier 3 meme