I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Look at this
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.